Kerry here 😊
Would you agree that one of the hardest parts of parenting teens is figuring out what to say or do when you are unhappy with them?
Say your teen ignores a request, snaps at you, procrastinates, or blows something off. Before you even realize it, your brain is already racing: What do I do? How can I make this stop?
Most parents I know have a default of going straight to consequences. By that, they usually mean something unpleasant, with the thought: “If my kid suffers enough, they’ll learn not to do that again.” But often, especially with teens, it just creates resentment, shutdown, or a power struggle that leaves everyone feeling lousy.
Today I’d like to offer a small shift in how you think about these moments.
Instead of starting with, “What consequence should I give?” try pausing and asking yourself four questions:
First, what exactly did my teen do that I don’t like?
Second, what do I want more of instead? Examples might be: responsibility, follow-through, initiative, respect.
Third, how can I give my teen an opportunity to practice that instead?
And fourth, can I deliver the message in a more creative way than being stern, disappointed, or angry?
Here is a real-life example from my house:
Around noon, I asked my 18 year-old to please take out the trash before 3:00. At 3:30, it still was not done.
Darn. Now I had to figure out how to respond.
Back when he got an allowance, I would just take the trash out myself and charge him for my service. But he wasn’t getting an allowance anymore, so that easy option was gone.
Then it hit me! The groceries were being delivered in the next half hour, and suddenly I was very happy!
I stuck my head into his room. He was lying on his bed with his laptop open and his phone next to him.
I said very cheerfully, “Guess what? I have good news!”
Because I was overly happy, he was quick to figure out that this might not be good news for HIM.
“What?” he asked, in a low, grown-up teen voice. I still marvel how my youngest can have such a deep voice.
I said, “Because you didn’t empty the trash by 3:00, I can tell you need a little practice getting things done on time. So now you also get to bring in all the groceries and put them away. Isn’t that great? I think it’s awesome because there are a lot of them.”
Like any self-respecting surly teen, he grumbled, “I’m not doing that.”
Like a parent who actually had a plan, I stayed chipper and said, “No worries. I’m feeling creative, so if you don’t do it, I’m sure I can think of other opportunities for you to practice getting stuff done.”
I gave him my cheesiest smile and Tigger-bounced my way out of his room. (It was important that I was actually playful with no hint of sarcasm.)
Was he thrilled? No. Did he thank me for the learning opportunity? Also no. But did he end up practicing responsibility, follow-through, and contributing to the household without a lecture, without shame, and without a power struggle? Yes.
That is the point.
When we focus only on punishment, we often miss the chance to help our teens practice the skills we actually want them to build. When we think in terms of opportunities for them to learn, the whole tone shifts. Our teens are still held accountable, but they are treated as learners, not bad kids.
I also want to say this clearly: there will be plenty of days when you are tired and annoyed and go straight to anger anyway. That does not mean you are a bad parent. It means you are human.
This is the first of several emails I want to share about rethinking consequences with teens. My hope is to share actionable tools for responding in ways that can build closer relationships, that actually help them learn, and that might even get a laugh out of at least one of you.
As you head into this week, you might ask yourself: What skill is my teen still needing to develop, and how can I craft opportunities for them to practice it more often?
If you’re interested in more ideas for what to do when you don’t know what to do, just hit reply and type “more.”
Good luck out there, raising those good kids of yours.
