Why we need to talk about parental alienation
Palmer: Parental alienation during divorce is close to my heart. It is one of the most damaging, yet often overlooked, dynamics that can unfold after a separation. According to the APA Dictionary of Psychology, parental alienation describes a child’s experience of being manipulated by one parent to turn against the other parent. It does not always lead to a total cutoff, but even mild alienating behavior can disrupt a child’s inner world in ways they do not know how to manage.
I picture a child holding a rope to each parent. When there is slack in both ropes, the child can move freely toward either parent without hurting the other. When there is no slack, every move pulls on someone’s heart. Many kids respond by going still and disconnecting from both parents, or by cutting one rope to stop the pain. Our job is to keep slack in both ropes so a child does not feel forced to choose.
Kerry: I have rarely met a parent who believed they were contributing to alienation until we looked closely at tone, small comments, eye rolls, and what the child was absorbing. If this topic stings a little, that is a sign of love. It means you care. Please stay open. Small course corrections now can protect your child’s attachment system for life.
What alienation does to kids
Kerry: Attachment is a child’s emotional anchor. When a child is taught to fear or dismiss the parent they still love, it creates attachment confusion. The child tries to stay safe with one parent by suppressing love for the other. That is a heavy burden for a young nervous system.
Palmer: Chronic conflict and loyalty binds can push a child into a stress state that looks like survival, not growth. You may see problems with attention, emotion regulation, sleep, and trust. Identity can fracture too. Many kids start to present a false self that keeps the favored parent calm, while hiding their real feelings for the targeted parent. Left alone, that pattern can echo into adult relationships and even into the next generation.
What the research suggests
Kerry: Surveys show alienating behaviors are more common than most families realize. Many separated parents report exposure to them, and millions of children are affected at varying levels. The pattern is linked to higher rates of anxiety, depression, sleep issues, and long-term relationship difficulties. A qualitative study found that adults exposed to parental alienating behaviours in childhood reported high rates of anxiety, substance use, and lifelong emotional pain.
Palmer: The hopeful news is that early recognition and calm, consistent intervention help. When parents reduce conflict, validate the child’s mixed feelings, and keep both relationships safe and open, children regain balance. The earlier we address it, the better the outcomes.
Warning signs of parental alienation
Kerry: Seeing one sign once does not mean alienation is happening. A pattern across several areas is the red flag.
- Denigration of the targeted parent that sounds like adult language.
- Lack of emotional ambivalence, all good for one parent and all bad for the other.
- Absence of guilt for unkind behavior toward the targeted parent.
- Inconsistent behavior, warm in private but cold in front of the other parent.
- Weak reasons for rejection, explanations that do not match the level of hostility.
- Reflexive support for the favored parent in any dispute.
- Independent thinker claims, sweeping declarations that these views are entirely their own.
- Extreme reactions around transitions to the targeted parent.
- Rejection of the targeted parent’s extended family.
If you think alienation is starting
Palmer: Your child did not choose this. Their brain is doing what it thinks it must do to stay attached to the parent who feels safest in the moment. Do not shame, argue, or demand explanations. See the scared child under the behavior.
Kerry: Two priorities will carry you far. First, regulate yourself. Your calm presence is your strongest message. Second, help your child build a gentle validity detector. Ask open questions that invite thinking, not defending. You are teaching them to hold two truths without choosing sides.
Scripts you can use right away
When a child repeats a money or blame story
You: “I am sorry that has been on your mind. That is a lot to carry. If you want, we can think through it together. Everyone has opinions. I care about what you think, and I want you to feel free to love both of us.”
When a gift becomes a loyalty bind
You: “I can see it is hard to bring this to your other home. Would you like a special box here to keep it safe, so you do not have to worry about anyone’s reaction?”
When a child shares a one-sided story
You: “Thank you for telling me. Sometimes we see only part of the picture. If you ever want to look at it from a few angles together, I am here. You do not have to pick a side to be safe with me.”
Everyday tools that build mental flexibility
Palmer: These are gentle, everyday ways to protect kids from rigid, one-sided narratives.
- Optical illusions. Keep a book on the table. Wonder aloud about how different people see different things. No lecture, just curiosity.
- The Monkey Business video. Watch together for fun, then later connect it to the idea that we notice what we expect, and sometimes miss what is right there.
- Movies with perspective shifts. Choose age-appropriate stories that flip expectations and invite a re-think.
- Perspective-taking games. At a game or in the park, ask what the ref might be feeling, what the goalie is noticing, what the ball would say. You are building empathy and cognitive flexibility that later applies to family stories too.
Communication guidelines that lower alienation risk
Kerry:
- Keep adult conflict away from kids. Use a counselor, mediator, or parenting coach for charged issues.
- Do not use kids as messengers. Communicate logistics parent to parent.
- Watch words and tone. Kids are finely tuned to sighs, sarcasm, and eye rolls.
- No secrets. Do not ask your child to hide harmless details. Secrets create anxiety and split loyalties.
- Use the same language your child uses. If they say Mom or Dad, you do too.
- Teach that there are two sides. “You can love us both, and we will be okay.”
- Do not let logistics become guilt. Protect kids from hearing fights about rides, times, and holidays.
Palmer: Make a simple commitment statement and repeat it when emotions run high.
“I will not speak negatively about my child’s other parent. I will not put my child in the middle.”
Heart posture checks and reality reframing
Kerry: Before you speak about your co-parent, ask yourself: Would I be upset if they said this about me? Is this in my child’s best interest, or is it about my feelings? Would I be comfortable if a transcript of this conversation appeared in court? If the answer is no, pause, breathe, and choose a calmer path.
Do’s and Don’ts to protect your child
Do
- Keep adult conflict away from kids.
- Validate your child’s positive experiences with the other parent.
- Model respectful language and tone.
- Build perspective and mental flexibility with simple, daily practices.
- Regulate yourself before responding to hard comments.
Do not
- Use your child as a messenger or a spy.
- Speak negatively about the other parent, even with subtle cues.
- Create or encourage secrets.
- Let kids overhear conflicts about logistics that make them feel like a burden.
- Force a choice. A child’s love is not a competition.
From our hearts to yours
Palmer: I came close to being lost in the confusion and despair that alienation can create. If that is your child, please know there is hope. Calm, steady love changes outcomes.
Kerry: You do not need perfect words. You need a regulated presence, consistent validation, and a safe bridge to both parents. That is how we protect a child’s attachment system and give them a foundation for life.
If this was helpful, you might also like our post on Kids’ Feelings During Divorce, which shows how to spot the emotional iceberg and support real healing.
