When Your Kids Stop Talking
Kerry: As parents, we get pop quizzes all the time. The ones we never see coming. I’ll never forget one of mine. I came home late after a long day of therapy clients and teaching a parenting class. My sixteen-year-old son, Palmer, greeted me by saying, “Mom, I got pulled over for going ninety in a forty-five.” He even had video of flashing police lights.
My mind raced. He could have died. He could have killed someone. I could have lost one of my boys. I wanted to yell, to punish, to lecture. But I stopped myself. I had just finished teaching parents about staying calm, and I couldn’t come home and fail my own test.
So I took a deep breath and said, “I’m so glad you’re safe. That must have been scary.” A few seconds later, Palmer handed me the “ticket.” He had written across it, “Pranked ya.” My heart dropped and then laughed all at once. It was just a test. I passed that one. I showed him that even when I was scared or angry, our connection mattered more than control.
That’s what this post is about: how to keep kids talking, especially during and after divorce, when connection can feel fragile and everything feels high stakes.
Why Keeping Kids Talking During Divorce Matters
Palmer: When we talk about keeping kids talking during divorce, we’re really talking about attachment. Kids need to know that we see them, hear them, and can handle what they bring us. When parents stay emotionally available, kids feel safe enough to open up. That safety shapes the way they handle emotions and relationships for the rest of their lives.
Kerry: Dr. Dan Siegel’s research shows that every time we respond to our child’s emotions with empathy instead of judgment, we build neural pathways in their brain that say, “It’s safe to share.” During divorce, that safety net becomes even more important. Your child’s world is shifting, and you are their anchor. Every calm, connected response you offer helps their brain settle and their heart trust again.
Strategies to Keep Kids Talking During Divorce
Strategy 1: The First Fifteen Rule
When you or your kids walk in the door, commit to fifteen minutes with no corrections, no questions, and no suggestions. Just warmth, eye contact, and genuine interest.
Say things like:
- “I’m so happy to see you.”
- “How was your day?”
- “I missed you.”
That simple pause before the parenting starts makes kids feel seen and welcome.
Strategy 2: The HEAR Framework
H – Honor Your Child’s Individuality
Let your kids have their own opinions, even the ones you disagree with. Teens are trying on ideas like clothes in a fitting room. Your job is to stay curious and calm, not reactive.
E – Lead with Empathy, Not Judgment
Pause before you speak. Ask yourself, “Why am I talking?”
Connect before you correct.
When they mess up, focus on being in it with them, not against them.
Try saying:
- “That sounds really hard.”
- “I can see why that would upset you.”
- “Thank you for telling me.”
- “This doesn’t change how much I love you.”
A – Be Available, Even When It’s Inconvenient
Kids rarely choose the right time to talk. If they open up at midnight or in the car, stay with it. Put your phone down, listen, and be present.
R – Remember What It Was Like to Be a Teen
You probably didn’t want constant lectures. You wanted someone who listened and understood. Your kids want that too.
Strategy 3: One-on-One Time
After divorce, kids often get less individual time with each parent. Even small moments matter.
- A weekly breakfast together
- A walk with the dog
- A quick trip for ice cream
- Washing dishes side by side
These little rituals remind your child that they are still deeply loved and prioritized.
Strategy 4: Build a Support Network
If therapy isn’t an option, create a village. Invite caring adults to show up for your kids. A coach, teacher, grandparent, or family friend can make a huge difference. When I was young, my mom’s best friend, “Mother Millie,” quietly saved my heart by listening without judgment. Every child deserves a “Mother Millie.”
Strategy 5: Communication Tools
Create daily connection points.
A quick check-in, a shared meal, or a few minutes before bed can open the door.
As the Gottman Institute explains, daily rituals of connection strengthen trust and emotional safety.
Phone down, eyes up.
Show your child they matter more than your notifications.
Respond to emotional bids.
When they reach out for attention, respond warmly—even to the small things.
Strategy 6: Heart Posture Checks
Before you respond to your child, pause and ask yourself:
- Am I calm enough to listen?
- Can I hear something hard without reacting?
- Is my goal to connect or to control?
If you are not ready, take a breath and come back when you can listen with love.
Do’s and Don’ts to Keep Kids Talking
Do
- Lead with empathy, not correction.
- Make the first fifteen minutes together warm and calm.
- Keep inviting connection, even after rejection.
- Remember what it felt like to be a teen.
- Respond calmly when your kids make mistakes.
Don’t
- Yell, punish, or lecture in emotional moments.
- Try to talk them out of their feelings.
- Assume silence means everything is fine.
- Force big talks on your schedule.
- Compare siblings or shame behavior.
Closing Thoughts
Palmer: If you want your kids to talk to you, you have to be able to handle what they say. You don’t need perfect words, just an open heart and steady presence.
Kerry: Teens are transforming, just like caterpillars in the chrysalis. It’s messy, and sometimes they sting. But if you can stay curious, loving, and calm, they will remember that you were safe to talk to. Every time your child shares something vulnerable, treat it like a gift. Because it is.
If you found this helpful, you might also like our post on Two Homes: Helping Kids Feel Grounded When They Live Between Households.
