20-Second Hug: Connect with Your Kid Fast

Dear Friend,

It's Sunday and I'm grateful you're here. It's Palmer this week.

One of the simplest ways to connect with your teen or tween is something that often gets overlooked when we're busy trying to say all the right things: physical connection. As someone who spends a lot of time learning about the different mental aspects of life and how they play a role in parent-child connection, it is easy to miss a strategy that in some ways can be even more powerful than words and a fine tuned inner world.

We can put so much mental effort into trying to be our best, say the right things, be patient, and make those we love feel loved. I think most parents miss when their kids were really young and super cuddly, I can't imagine how you wouldn't. When I get to sit there and give my little boy a bottle of milk, if I slow down and can get my brain to stop doing its typical crazy and loud shenanigans worrying about what I need to do or worrying about some nonsense, in that moment I feel so much peace. I feel connected, happy, grounded, and purposeful.

It can be easy to forget for a moment how tender my son is when he is screaming in my ear and just livid about having to get his diaper changed. I can't imagine when you have a teenager who is at best indifferent about you, tells you to take a hike, or says much, much harsher things I likely may have said. Maybe calling my mom the c word was a little uncalled for... who's to say. 😅

Research shows us definitively that consensual, affectionate physical touch provides measurable benefits for our mental health. If a kid receives intentional contact, it can be an anchor for their nervous system and the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis (I don't know what those words mean, but I know that is the part of the brain that is in charge of how the body responds to stress).

So next time you see your kid, pick them up, put them in your lap, give them a big hug and sing them a song. I can't wait to hear how that goes!!

Yeah...no, I'm kidding. 🙃

But what I have families do is something I learned at a conference when we were presenting in Japan a few years ago. It was about physical connection and mental health. It's pretty cutting edge: give them a 20-second firm hug. That's it. 20 seconds of hugging. 20 seconds is the magic number from the available research across numerous fields.

NOT the wimpy little half hug you give to your 3rd cousin once removed. NOT the 1 to 3 second hugs that you MIGHT be getting when they come home from school. It is 20 seconds of really holding them close. If you have a kiddo who thinks that long is preposterous, even a 5 to 10 second hug allows enough time for some of the benefits to be felt.

Given that most kiddos over the age of three might have questions about why you are hugging them for so long, you want to be intentional with when you go for it. If you want an idea on what to say, try this: "Hey (name), I know this might sound weird but can I give you a 20 second hug?". They might say "no," "why," or "gross." You can just say, "I wish I got to hug you more, you can just stand there and roll your eyes but would that be okay with you?"

I have had many families tell me the last time they hugged their parent or kid for that long was years and years ago. Even some of the teenagers who really don't like their parents share how it felt nice and you can see a shift in their demeanor. They will tell you they don't want it (they sort of have to if they are a teenager). Don't take that as rejection, but expect it and don't take it personally. If you're looking for more ways to get through that wall, here are 5 ways to connect with your teen that work alongside this one really well.

I want to acknowledge that there are many families in a similar position to where my mom and I were, where a hug like this might not be possible because of distance, active rejection, or trauma. If that is the case, I am sorry for the pain for both them and you. If a hug is off the table, find one of your favorite photos of them and just beam love and affection to the photo. Remind yourself of the sweet kid who once wanted nothing but to snuggle and be close to you and that that sweet little kid is still in there wanting love.

If you aren't sure of the magical powers of a meaningful 20-second hug, try it with your spouse or close friend and I will let it speak for itself. It's a great thing to do with anyone you feel close and safe with.

Till next time

Kerry and Palmer :)