Essential Conversations

Dear Friend,

You've got Kerry this week!

A few days ago, my son Palmer told me something that stopped me in my tracks. If you have tweens or teens at home, this one is for you, because the essential conversations with your kids are easier to delay than you might think.

He said, "I wish my parents had talked more with me about adult things when I was growing up."

Things like relationships. Marriage. Alcohol. Drugs. Porn. Handling conflict. Values. Faith.

That caught me off guard.

If you had asked me, I would have said that I had talked about those things. I thought I had shared my values and beliefs many times over the years. I clearly remember conversations about sex and alcohol.

But Palmer didn't remember those conversations happening in a meaningful way.

It made me wonder:

Have you ever assumed your kids know what you think about the big things in life without ever really sitting down and talking about them?

I think many of us do.

We assume they don't want to talk about those topics. Or we think they will roll their eyes. Or we tell ourselves we will bring it up someday.

And then someday quietly passes.

A few days later, I was talking with a couple of family members about the decisions we all made when we were young, especially the decisions the three of us made about who to marry.

Interestingly, every one of us said the same thing:

No one in our families spoke up when they saw us picking partners who felt questionable to those around us.

Looking back, we all agreed that if someone in our family had offered an honest, thoughtful perspective, we might have listened more than people think. And we might have made different choices.

Choices that might have spared six children from living through their parents' divorces.

That conversation, combined with what Palmer shared with me, made something very clear.

Kids don't want lectures. But they do want guidance.

If I could go back in time, I would be more intentional about those conversations with my kids.

I would not wait for the perfect moment. I would create the moment.

Maybe over coffee. Maybe over a meal. Maybe during a car ride.

I might say something like:

I would love to hear your thoughts about _______ (faith/charity/porn/politics/relationships. You name it).

"What do you think makes a marriage work?"

"What do you want your relationship with alcohol to be when you're an adult?"

I would ask questions first. What do they believe? What influences those beliefs? What kind of adult do they want to become? (If you want to go deeper on really getting to know your family members, this challenge to learn new things about family and friends is a great place to start.)

Then I would share my thoughts casually.

Not as a lecture. Just as a perspective.

Those conversations can be complicated, especially when families are going through difficult seasons. They were especially complicated for me when Palmer didn't like me.

So if your kids are still living under your roof, it is not too late to have these important talks with your teens.

You might try choosing one topic and setting aside time to talk about it.

Not to preach.

Just to talk. And more importantly, to listen. Because when kids feel heard, they're more likely to be open to your thoughts.

You might be surprised by how much they actually want that conversation.