What if venting isn’t what calms them down?

Dear Friend,

Kerry here! 😊

Your teenager comes home fired up. Something happened… a friend, a teacher, a group chat blowup … and she needs to talk about it right now, at full intensity. You settle in to listen, because that seems like the right thing to do. Twenty minutes later she's still going, and somehow she seems more worked up, not less. If you've ever wondered why venting isn't calming your teen down, here's a different approach that might help.

A dad client shared a story that changed how I think about this.

My client and his family often hang out at the end of the day in their hot tub - no phones, just a tech-free time and place to debrief the day. One night it was just the father and teenage daughter. She climbed in already amped up about something and launched straight into venting. He asked her to pause for a second. Before she vented, could he ask her a few questions? She was able to pause and give that a thought.

She said okay. He asked her:

What are you mad about?
What are you sad about?
What are you scared about?
Do you feel any regret?
What are you happy about?
What are you grateful for?
What do you feel secure in yourself about?
What are you proud of yourself for?

That was it. No advice. Just the questions, one at a time, while he listened. A flow through the uncomfortable feelings and then through the opposite ones.

By the time she finished answering those eight questions, she was calmer. Her voice had dropped. Her body had relaxed. She felt completely heard. She hadn't gotten stuck on the story or locked in on just one emotion such as mad or scared, but instead she flowed through the whole range of emotions.

What she had needed wasn't more time to vent: she needed help finding the feelings underlying her intensity. The dad also learned something important: at that moment, his daughter didn't want his advice or opinions. She just wanted him to sit with her while she felt what she was feeling. If you want to understand more about what's really going on under your teen's big emotions, we've written before about the hidden message beneath your teen or tween's behavior.

You don't need a hot tub for this. You need fifteen minutes and the willingness to ask and then listen to the answers. Next time your kid comes in wanting to vent, experiment with pausing them first: "Before you tell me the whole thing, are you open to trying a different way to talk about it?" Then walk through a few of those questions. Mad, sad, scared, glad. Listen the best you can with focus and empathy. Don't respond, just keep walking them through this flow of feelings. See what happens to your sense of connection when they've shifted from telling the story to sharing their feelings.

If you give this a try, Palmer and I would love to hear about it. 😊

Have a wonderful day!

Kerry and Palmer