Back to School Hope: Helping Kids Reinvent Themselves

It's Palmer!

Oh, back to school, back to school.

What an exciting yet terrible time of year...at least that's how I felt as a kid. Younger me had lots of thoughts about school that probably aren't appropriate to share. Thankfully, adult me is no longer burdened by the anxiety and fear that came with 8 hours of school and hours of homework...whether I did the homework or not. 😅

I could probably write 4 different Sunday emails for back to school, but one idea has felt the most important when it comes to helping your teen with back to school anxiety and that first day reset.

As a parent, you're likely thinking about logistics. New schedules, school supplies, sports, clubs, move-in days, homework, rides, all the things.

But as I reflected on my own "first days" and the conversations I've been having with clients, I kept coming back to something less logistical and much deeper. They probably wouldn't call it identity, but I think that's what it is.

There's something about the first day of a new endeavor, whether it be school, college, grad school, or a new job, where we feel the ability to redefine ourselves; to mirror the image we hold in our mind of who we could be. The person who is confident, hard-working, doesn't procrastinate, wins over their crush, is social, and shows up for the things we know we should.

Kids are quietly asking:

Am I going to be brave?
Am I going to hide?
Am I going to try?
Am I going to be the kid who finally changes something?

Far more than New Year's Day, I think the first day of school feels like the chance to make a change. And I think it absolutely can be. Grades are a blank slate. New classes. New teachers. New opportunities. Even for kids who feel lost and overwhelmed, there can still be this little glimmer of hope that things could be different, kind of like the shift I've written about before in No one wants to fail...right?

I remember vividly putting so much thought into how the start of the year would go. I'd get my planner set up and spend way too much time thinking about my first day of school outfit because I thought it would set the tone for who I was going to be that year. How people saw me. How I saw myself. MY CLOTHES!!! I was a kid you'd assume didn't care to change anything...not because things were going great, quite the opposite. But even still, it felt possible. We all can picture an image of our more ideal selves.

So what makes the difference in whether we draw closer to that image versus staying on the same path? There are a lot of pieces to that, but one thing parents can do is help their kid put words to that semi-subconscious desire to grow into a better version of themselves.

When those hopes stay hidden, they can get swept away by the usual culprits: old habits and routines, negative beliefs, overwhelm, and just not enough fuel to get that ship moving. Parents, if done right, can bring their kid's ideal self into the light and help them not feel alone in that pursuit. And sometimes that pursuit also needs another voice around them: a mentor, coach, therapist, teacher, or trusted adult who can help them keep coming back to who they want to become when habit and overwhelm start to creep in. If your teen is carrying something heavier than typical first day nerves, it's worth reading A teenagers darkest moments too.

Sometime this week or next, as you're able, just plop yourself down next to your kid as if you are a fun relatable friend that makes them roll their eyes faster than you've ever seen. Then, in a loving parent way, bring up a few of these questions. You can share a little context, maybe an example from when you were a kid, and then ask something like:

"Is there anything from last year you don't want to repeat?"
"What do you want to be proud of by Thanksgiving?"
"What kind of person do you want to be this year?"
"Where do you want to be a little braver this year?"

Your kid likely is going to brush the question off. GENTLY DOUBLE DOWN. Say, "No, I'm being serious. This was something I thought a lot about as a kid and I really want to hear your thoughts! I'm just going to listen, and if you want any support, I'm here for you."

NOW LISTEN CLOSELY!!! This isn't the time to dump your however wise wisdom onto your kids. It's time to create a seat for their ideal self at the table where they aren't pressured, but can just exist. If they ignore you, they will at least know you asked. If they do share, hear them out. Actively listen. And say something like:

"I love that. I think that would be really cool to see in you this year."
"That makes sense. I can see why that would matter to you."
"I'd love to help you with that if you want me to."

Conversations like this help your kids see that you care not just about their outputs in school, sports, or clubs, but about who they are becoming as individuals.

I'll always say it because I believe it, but having the right support around your kid can make such a difference. Whether that is coaching, therapy, mentorship, or something else, I'm always happy to talk through what might make sense for your family.

Have a lovely Sunday!

Kerry and Palmer :)