What Teenage Me Would Hide From Parents

Dear Friend,

Okay, I need to put my mom in her place and set the record straight. Last week my mom went on about how "she caught me drinking and taught me some really valuable lessons." SURE... maybe that incident and like 2 others.

What she leaves out are the other 741 times where she didn't catch me and therefore didn't teach me any "valuable lessons." Yes, when she caught me she did a dang good job, and YES I am grateful she did those things. But if we are keeping score, don't be misled. Those other 741 times I did things she had no idea about, or found out about but believed some nonsensical, but still fairly well-crafted, defense of mine. I say "defense," but really that just means lying.

My hope for this post is to share some of the things I would have been furious about as a teenager if someone had shared them with my parents. When it comes to teen behavior and honesty, parents are more often than not much more in the dark than they think. Not because their kids are evil, and not because they are bad parents, but because kids are clever, motivated, and naturally move toward what gets them what they want. If they get away with a lie here and there, they begin to learn that lying works. Even with some of my most well-behaved, straight-A students, I hear about the ways they are getting things past their parents.

The first time I lied was when I was 6 or 7. My older brother found a dollar in a parking lot, and I was jealous. So I took a $20 bill from my mom's purse on some road trip, crumpled it up, and pretended like I found it on top of a newspaper box. Not my best work, but she believed it. I felt bad and was nervous doing it, but then I had what I wanted. Unfortunately, I learned early on that I could lie and get away with it. It then got to the point where I would take money from her wallet, steal from stores, lie to teachers, do drugs, drink, and basically lie any time I thought it might make things even 1% easier for me. I can laugh about parts of it now, but it really did shape me in unhealthy ways.

My mom would have suspicions and sometimes ask questions, but by that point I was an MLB all-star and she was still playing tee ball. I will be honest, I do blame her a little. Not because I think she was a bad parent, but because I wish she had done more to learn about what teens might actually be doing and how to course correct them earlier. That does not mean becoming some paranoid detective and assuming your kid is lying every time they blink. But it also means don't be naive. Be a student.

Kids are not likely to make super smart and well thought out decisions. My 14-month-old son would be happy to eat broken glass from a tupperware, and my teenage self was no smarter. Parents need to do what they can to protect their kids. They will make bad decisions, there is no stopping that. But my hope is that parents are there to help them grow through those moments.

So please, whether your kids are 8, 18, or 28, stay curious. Don't assume the screen time restrictions you set up are foolproof. Don't assume there is a parent at the sleepover just because they said so unless you've talked to the other parent. Don't assume "this was the first time, I promise" was actually the first time. And don't assume that because your kid seems mostly fine, they are being fully honest about what is going on emotionally. If they learn to lie about behavior, they may also learn to lie about what is going on inside. If you want to understand more about what's really driving your teen's choices, the hidden message beneath your teen's behavior is a good place to start.

Staying connected is one of the best defenses against all of this, by the way. The more your kid feels genuinely seen by you, the less they need to hide. We've written about some practical ways to build that in 5 ways to connect with your teen.

Now as an adult I don't have more than a few drinks a year, I have healthy habits, I would walk 30 minutes back to a grocery store if I realized I didn't scan something, and I'm proud of the kind of man I've become. So maybe, just maybe... she did win.

Hope you make it a great day!

Kerry and Palmer