Understanding kids’ feelings during divorce can help parents see beneath the surface and respond with empathy.
The “Iceberg” of Kids’ Emotions
Kerry: When I think about what kids go through during divorce, I often picture an iceberg. What we see above the surface, such as tears, anger, or withdrawal, is only the tip. Beneath that are feelings that run deep: grief, confusion, fear, and loss.
When my own parents divorced, I remember feeling like the whole world had shifted overnight. I did not have the words for what I felt. I only knew that my family, as I had known it, was gone. If someone had died, there would have been casseroles and sympathy. Because it was divorce, everyone stayed quiet. That silence was the hardest part.
Palmer: That is true for many kids. On the outside, they might look fine. They might keep up their grades or act extra helpful. But inside, they are hurting. When no one helps them name those feelings, the pain sinks deeper and deeper.
Why Kids’ Feelings During Divorce Matter
Kerry: Kids and parents experience divorce in very different ways. As adults, we have usually had time to process what is happening and may even feel relief or hope for the future. For kids, divorce can feel like pure loss, the loss of the family they have always known.
There is a term in psychology called disenfranchised grief. It means grief that society does not really acknowledge. Divorce often falls into that category. People tend to see it as a decision rather than a loss. For children, it is absolutely a loss, and it is often carried in silence.
Palmer: That is why validation matters so much. Research shows that when a child has even one parent who consistently shows up emotionally, someone who listens, validates, and stays steady, it creates emotional safety. That parent does not erase the pain but helps the child build resilience and hope. According to the American Psychological Association, children cope best when parents stay emotionally available.
Kerry: It is not the divorce itself that shapes a child’s future. It is how you walk through it with them that makes the difference.
How Kids Show What They Cannot Say
Palmer: Children do not usually come to you and say they are grieving. They show it in other ways. They may act out, withdraw, become clingy, or try too hard to please. These behaviors are not misbehavior; they are communication.
Kerry: Exactly. When we notice those behaviors and respond with empathy instead of punishment, we are telling them, “I see you. I understand that something deeper is going on.”
Grief often comes in waves. Some days feel calm, and other days a small frustration can bring on a flood of emotion. That is normal. It is not regression; it is the natural rhythm of grief.
The Power of Validation
Kerry: You do not have to fix your child’s pain. You only need to make room for it. That can be difficult, especially when you feel guilty or responsible. The more space you make for your child’s feelings, the less control those feelings have over them.
Here are a few phrases that truly help:
- It makes sense that you feel this way.
- You do not have to hide how you feel.
- Thank you for telling me.
- I love you and always will.
- That sounds really hard. I want to be here for you.
Palmer: Here are a few things that may seem comforting but often have the opposite effect:
- You will get used to it.
- It is not that bad.
- At least now there is no fighting.
- Just be strong.
When parents say these things, even with good intentions, what kids often hear is that their feelings do not matter.
What Kids Need Most
Palmer: When I was little, after my parents’ divorce, I sometimes felt responsible for everyone’s emotions. I wondered if my sadness would make Mom feel worse. Many kids do the same thing. They protect their parents by staying quiet.
Kerry: That is why regular check-ins are so important, even when your child seems fine. Healing happens through repeated moments of connection, not one big conversation.
Here are a few things that help:
- Name the loss early and often. You can say, “This feels like a big change, and it is okay to feel sad about it.”
- Keep routines steady. Predictability helps children feel safe when everything else feels uncertain.
- Offer outlets. Art, music, journaling, and movement all help kids express emotions they cannot yet put into words.
- Stay calm and consistent. Kids need to know that your love and presence are not changing.
- Take care of your own heart. Your emotional health gives them room for theirs.
When Parents and Kids Are on Different Timelines
Kerry: Parents usually begin processing the divorce long before their children even know about it. By the time you are ready to move forward, your child may just be starting to feel the impact. That mismatch can make it hard to connect.
Palmer: This is where patience matters. Let your child move at their own pace. Keep the door open for conversations, even when they do not step through it right away.
When to Get Extra Help
Kerry: If your child’s sadness, anger, or withdrawal lasts for several weeks, or if you notice changes in sleep, school, or friendships, it may be time to seek extra support. That is not a sign of failure. It is a sign of love and courage.
Therapists, mentors, or peer groups for children of divorce can give your child language and community for what they are feeling.
Do’s and Don’ts from Our Own Journey
DO:
- Name the grief out loud.
- Validate emotions, even when they are hard to hear.
- Check in regularly.
- Take care of your own emotional health.
- Look beneath the behavior to understand the emotion.
DON’T:
- Dismiss feelings with “You will get used to it.”
- Assume silence means okay.
- Rush your child’s grief to match your timeline.
- Try to talk them out of their feelings with logic.
- Ignore your own grief or stress.
From Our Hearts to Yours
Kerry: We know this is not easy. There is no perfect way to do it. You will have moments when you feel tired, guilty, or unsure. That is okay. What matters most is that your child continues to feel your love.
Palmer: Your calm presence and your willingness to sit with the hard moments are what heal. You do not need all the answers. You only need to show up.
Kerry: If you would like more guidance, stories, and practical tools, we would love to walk with you through our online class. It is filled with the strategies we wish every parent had during this season.
Visit Care for the Kids to learn more. We created it to help you protect your child’s heart and strengthen your connection, one moment and one conversation at a time.
