Every parent hopes for that kind of lifelong connection.
Kerry here! 👋 My dad is one of my favorite people. He has always been there—curious about my life, never judgmental about my choices. To this day, when I have time for a phone call, I am calling my dear old dad.
As a therapist, I see how deeply it hurts parents when their once-close kids start pulling away as they grow into adults. And as a mom, I know the joy of that full-hearted love, the kind that makes you want to stay close to your kids for life.
So what makes kids want to stay close?
A handful of adult children weighed in on what made the difference. Here is what they said:
“The first thing that helped me stay close was that I wasn’t afraid to go to my parents with my failures. My dad always said the only thing that mattered was if I did my best. Even when something was my fault, they helped me rebuild instead of shaming me. That kept our relationship steady whether I was succeeding or failing.”
“My mom rarely gives her opinion unless I ask. She supports my choices instead of trying to control them, and that makes me want to come to her for advice.”
“They always picked up the phone like I was the only thing that mattered, and they never missed a chance to say, ‘We’re so proud of you.’”
“Even when we fought, my mom said, ‘I may not love all your choices, but I’ll always love you.’”
“My mom never had too much pride to say, ‘I’m sorry.’ She admitted when she was wrong and taught me humility and real love.”
After hearing all these stories, one theme keeps surfacing:
What keeps kids close is not perfection, it is emotional safety.
Kids want parents who are consistent, supportive, humble, and safe to confide in.
Now that my six kids are in their twenties and thirties, I try to do two simple things to keep them close:
- Stay genuinely interested in their lives and never make them regret telling me something personal.
- Create opportunities to be together and keep building good memories.
I will admit that holding back unasked-for advice is tricky. We parents have lived longer and learned a few things along the way. But it seems that each generation wants to figure things out for themselves. When we focus on being curious instead of judgmental, we keep the door open for those moments when our kids do ask what we think.
When that happens, I consider it an honor and try not to “should on” them. As much as I would love to jump right into advice, I try to start with questions like:
- “What is your instinct?”
- “What would be true to your values?”
- “What moves you in the direction you want to take your life?”
Then, I might share a thought or two. And sometimes I still slip and offer advice before they ask, which rarely goes well. (Not sure why I keep running that experiment! 😆)
Maybe the secret sauce is not about getting it right every time but staying right there in love, again and again.
What will your kids remember most about how you showed up when they were young?
Will those memories make them want to stay close to you as adults?
If you found this post meaningful, read our article on Keeping Kids Talking During Divorce for more ways to strengthen trust and connection with your children.
