Palmer here!
I’m scared to miss any moments with my family.
Something that I have known to be true and thought I fully understood was the idea that your life is yours to enjoy and make the most of, no matter your circumstances. It’s obviously not a revolutionary idea, but it’s SO much easier said than done. Even when life is going smoothly, it’s easy to fall into a sort of autopilot mode where you aren’t fully enjoying even the best of moments.
It wasn’t until my son was born that my view on trying to “make the most of things” was really reshaped. I have wanted nothing more than to be a dad and spend as much intentional time with my family as I can. So this might sound bad, but I share it because it’s just the reality of what I’ve felt. An example where I’ve really been confronted and had to ask, “Am I really doing my best to make the most of my situation?” was one day when I’d finished work and was ready to just relax. I went downstairs to find a pre-dinner snack, listen to a podcast, and just do me.
Then my wife asks me to watch our sweet little boy, James, while she starts on dinner – but after I hear that, there’s a moment where all I want to do is tuck away back upstairs, eat my snack, listen to my podcast, and turn my brain off. For me, doing that isn’t an option, but just because I do go watch him doesn’t mean I’m doing a good job being as intentional as I could be.
I’ve found myself at times, especially early on, sitting there with my son after a long day and feeling that it was almost some sort of burden that I had to watch him. Even as I write that, it feels wrong to say because it’s absolutely not how I truly feel, but again, I share because I like to think I’m not alone. I’m not saying this happens every time I play or take care of him, it is certainly a very small portion but it undoubtedly has happened.
At first, I would judge myself and question how I could feel that way if this is something I’ve really wanted. Now I’ve learned to acknowledge the fact that it’s very human to want to serve our immediate desires, but we can often mistake ease, comfort, and convenience for purpose, meaning, and true joy.
So the two questions I now keep at the front of my mind as much as I can, regardless of whether I am feeling more self-serving or intentional and present, are:
1 – “If life isn’t about this, then what are you doing?”
2 – “Will you feel better about resenting this moment or enjoying it for what it is?”
That’s not to say you shouldn’t take time for yourself to rest and pursue other areas that fill you up. Definitely do that; it’s very important, but it’s so easy to fall into this trap of thinking that if life isn’t easy or convenient, then we must be getting the short end of the stick. In reality, regardless of whether your life looks exactly how you want it to or not, it will never serve you well to think life is happening TO you versus seeing it as something that you GET TO be a part of.
This concept isn’t just applicable during the baby years. For me, it shows up in just about every single aspect of my life. For you, it could be the 74th Saturday morning in a row you’ve been up early to take your kids to their sports game, the hard conversation with your spouse, folding laundry, doing dishes (this one really gets me). It can also apply to the career you left to stay at home with your kids, the job you took to be able to provide for your kids, your faith practices, working out, friendships – It’s for everything. And for nearly everything this is important to keep in mind, if we remain intentional and present, it will be in our best interest and deep well-being.
Of course, if you’re in a situation that is troubling or unsafe, or you are grieving, this doesn’t mean you should just accept it. The point of this is focusing on the small moments where we can easily slip into a passive or hindering mindset.
I promise I’m not a bad dad…at least I don’t think I am… I’m just one who sometimes needs a reminder that I’m not perfect, and because of that, I have to ensure I put effort towards a consistent, intentional approach to life.
Grateful for you.
Kerry and Palmer
