You got me, Palmer, today!
I have been looking forward to this email for quite a bit. I’ll be sharing an update I am very proud of and a message that I wish every parent and kid could hear.
One thing that is certain in this life is that we will all fail and struggle at some point. You just hope that for yourself and those you love, the struggles and failures don’t stop us from getting back up and continuing to pursue the fullest life there is for us. I do not believe that any of us are given challenges we cannot handle – however, that is much easier to believe when we aren’t on the edge and feeling hopeless.
I spent so much of my childhood, and I’m talking through 16 or 17 years old, thinking that I was simply less than others, but honestly, it was more that I thought I couldn’t become a version of myself that I would be proud of. I was told that I needed to do school because “that’s just what you do,” but I was someone where it was nothing short of a miracle if I got a B. My turbo ADHD, paired with a school system that never worked for me, and struggling with mental health, meant I was so far from the “Acceptable Standard.” I couldn’t have imagined how college would be possible, I was just hoping I’d graduate. School was just one of the many areas where it felt like I couldn’t become who I wanted to be.
Here are two report cards of mine from high school…also feel free to ignore the 120+ absences I had
There are many other aspects of life that could replace the idea of school for you or those you love that might not have a formal report card. For your kids, that might be their social ability, family connection, success in sports, willingness to try new things, or overall executive function. For you, it could be those same things or even areas like being a “good” parent or being a “good” spouse, etc.
What I feel like I have learned is there are two big aspects that need to be addressed to help us reach the places we want and envision for ourselves:
1 – Evaluating if we are operating in a system and basing our “end goal” on what is realistic for us, or if we are using other people’s metrics to determine what ours should be.
2 – Admitting to ourselves that what we want is going to take real effort and long-term commitment. If we think we can just put in half-assed effort toward our goals, we’re going to get half-assed results that leave us feeling an indefinite longing for what could be.
Then, if we do take those steps to evaluate what we are capable of and gradually build toward the best versions of ourselves, we should be able to look back on our lives and see how far we’ve come.
For me, I got to have one of those moments last week when I walked across the stage at Northwestern University after completing my master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy. Oh, and since you asked, why yes, I made the honor roll. I got A’s in every single class except for two B’s in practicum classes because I didn’t submit my paperwork on time…my ADHD likes to keep me humble. Who’s counting, but I also graduated summa cum laude from undergrad which, at the time, was another milestone I was able to look back on with admiration for my younger self who put in the work and made it happen.
High school me would have NEVER and I mean NEVER believed I’d accomplished that.
School still sometimes made me want to lick a cheese grater the way it did in high school, but I found my “Why” and used it to fuel me through those moments when it felt like I had taken on way more than I could handle. I still fall short of what I want for myself all the time, but I am still working to build failure in as an expected part of my life because I want to keep doing things that take me beyond that half-assed version of myself.
So, while my biggest hope for you is to consider points 1 and 2 above, I also hope you are able to not be too locked in to how you think your kid is doing for better or worse. I am sure my mom looked at me with justified anxiety as she got calls from the dean on a weekly basis because I was doing a bit less than ideal. She kept holding onto hope and showing up for me the best she could; that paired with my desire for more in my life got me to a place that makes us all a little less worried. And who knows, things could still change – I like to keep it interesting 😅
The “hard work and effort” I talked about earlier doesn’t mean crazy 24/7 effort. It’s the bi-weekly individual therapy sessions I do to help make sure I keep as much of my baggage off my wife and son’s shoulders as possible. It’s the hard conversations with my wife. It’s working out 3–4 days a week. It’s the moments I turn to prayer. It’s the consistent ways we align ourselves with who we want to be. I hope you continue to create space to consider your “Why” and use it as your weapon to take on the challenges of this life.
