What I hope my kids inherit

Dear Friend,

Over the last 5 years, one of the biggest "secrets" I've learned working in the field of psychology is learning what shapes people to be who they are. As a parent, understanding this is probably the most important thing you can do for your kids, and it sits at the heart of everything we talk about here.

I'd say it's up for debate, but decades of research and meta-analyses make it clear that it's not really.

Humans are greatly shaped by their environments.

I recently got to see something I had modeled for me as a kid, potentially taking root in my son. One of the gifts I was given growing up was learning to push myself physically. Back in January, I set up my cold plunge (horse trough filled with water), and one of the days it got down into the high 30s, it was finally chilly enough.

My wife brought my son outside because I had been waiting for the day he could watch me huff and puff, shiver and squirm while I took a cold bath.

Once I got in and started huffing, he lit up with a big smile and giggled at me. My skin felt like it was on fire and I wanted to get out, but there was a 0% chance I was going to do that with him there.

Now that same boy already gets excited to waddle into any body of water that his dad is in, whether it's a warm pool or a frigid lake. My wife has already agreed he shows her up with what he's willing to get into.

That moment was sweet and made my dad heart happy 🤗 It has been my phone background ever since. And recently, it became such a needed reminder of how much our kids are learning from us all the time.

Not just when we sit them down and explain something or give a great speech in the car...All the time.

Who they become is determined by many variables, some controllable and others not. But one of the most significant is almost always the family system, and in particular, parenting.

I know that can feel heavy. I also know there are real physical, neurological, genetic, and temperamental factors that shape a person. Two kids can grow up in the same house and respond very differently. But for most kids, family is still the biggest by a lot.

What Kids Are Really Learning From You

Kids are sponges. They are learning how to handle stress, how to talk when they are angry, how to repair after conflict, how to treat their bodies, how to prioritize relationships, whether emotions are safe, and whether hard things are avoided or faced.

Our kids are not just watching the impressive things. They are watching the ordinary things. They are watching how we respond when we are happy, grateful, generous, loving, tired, defensive, annoyed, stressed, rushed, embarrassed, or wrong. They are watching 24/7, learning how to function from the day they are born (technically, even in the womb).

Honestly, I wish cold plunging was the hardest thing I had to model well for my son.

For me, being patient with him, gentle with my wife, and selfless with my time can sometimes be much harder.

When Your Kid's Behavior Points Back at You

I have heard so many stories where parents come to me with a "problem" their kid has, and then as I get to know the family, it becomes clear that some patterns at home have significantly shaped the very thing they want their kid to change.

That is not me saying parents are always the problem. They aren't. Of course our kids will learn lots of the bad from us, they also can learn the good!

But if there is something your child does that you really wish they didn't do, one of the first places to look is not at them. It is at what may have been modeled for them. When reflecting, it's important to not just evaluate your actions from the last 2 months; think about many years prior as well.

If you yell, it will be hard to teach calm. If you numb stress, it will be hard to teach emotional maturity. If you avoid apologies, it will be hard to teach ownership. If you are always on your phone, it will be hard to teach presence.

Again, I say this with love and with the belief that most of us are just kids trying to figure out how to be adults. (If this resonates and you want to think through how to talk with your teen about some of this, here's something teenage me would have hated for parents to know.)

One Simple Thing You Can Do This Week

So here is the simple invitation: pick one thing you want your kid to grow in, and model it better this week.

Not perfectly. Better.

No phone at dinner. An evening walk. A calmer tone. A real apology. A note of encouragement. Listening more than you talk. Doing the hard thing without making a speech about how hard it is.

I don't say this as someone who just read it in a book. I say it as someone who has had to face very large, hurt parts of myself that, if I don't work on them, will be the worst inheritance I can leave for my kids. There is a lot of overlap here with what we talk about in preparing kids instead of just protecting them, and it starts with us.

I'm grateful I can model doing tough things. But I hope one day my son can read this and say his dad wasn't perfect, but he knows his dad worked hard to be the best dad he could be, and saw me make real changes.

Happy Memorial Day for those of you in the States. If you or a loved one has served or sacrificed for our country, I am very grateful.

Have a wonderful day!

Kerry and Palmer

P.S. If there is something you feel like you have modeled well, I'd love to hear it. And if there is something you want help shifting, healing, or addressing because you feel like it may have impacted your kids, whether they are 12 or 30 years old, you can reply and send it my way and I will send back one or two ideas. No pressure, but sometimes it helps to not sort through those things alone.