Happy Father’s Day!
This Father’s Day, I’ve been thinking about how raising good dads really does take a village.
Kerry here! As a therapist, I can’t say enough about the value of a good dad. As a mom and stepmom to five boys who are – or hope to be – dads someday, I’ve spent a lot of parenting energy trying to give them what they’ll need to become good fathers.
👉 IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A GOOD DAD
Some of you were either lucky or wise enough to choose a partner who turned out to be a great dad. Hats off to you! Others might wish for a do-over, but here we all are, doing our best to raise sons into good men.
Some of us can draw on what our own fathers modeled. Others have to build that template from scratch. And “good dad” doesn’t have one definition—there are as many ways to be a good dad as there are dads.
Every dad has his own way of showing up well for their kids. So regardless of whether we were lucky, smart, or wish for a re-do, we can raise our kids around a variety of healthy men so that our kids get to see different ways that men show up. Here are a few examples of how some dads show love to their kids:
A FEW GOOD DADS I’VE SEEN IN ACTION
DAN, a trial attorney, practices his court arguments in front of his family to get their input. He’s teaching his kids that “we’re better together” and he’s raising kids who aren’t afraid to accept feedback or share imperfect drafts.
RICHARD has modeled going to therapy—individual, couples, and family. He’s open and humble, showing his kids that working on yourself is strength, not weakness.
MY DAD showed up. I always felt he liked having me around, and he never seemed annoyed by my endless questions. He rarely got mad – except that one time he broke the paintbrushes my brother and I were fighting over. Rod, you still owe me eight paintbrushes. They were mine. 😉
MY BROTHER, ROD (yes, the paintbrush 🖌️ thief) made family life more fun by using math to decide who said the dinner prayer and which Christmas gifts belonged to which kid. He taught his kids that math can be playful, and that sometimes you have to work for the good stuff.
DAVID, MY PARTNER, plays. He puts energy into making fun happen. I’m not saying his creativity never got us in trouble – like when he made a potato cannon that launched chunks of potato halfway down the block until got the police called. Nonetheless he’s shown our family that adventure and hobbies are part of a good life. And that weaponry, even if it’s just a PVC-based “toy,” tends to attract the cops.
Now I’m watching two of my sons become dads.
Happy Father’s Day, Keaton and Palmer!! 💙
Watching you show up, especially when it’s hard, and be sweet and gentle with your children fills my heart more than I can say.
It’s important to remember that no one dad is great at everything. Every parent has their strengths and weaknesses. When we talk about raising good dads, we’re really talking about raising boys to become men who show empathy, restraint, and integrity. It doesn’t come naturally for everyone and kids don’t need perfect dads (or moms, for that matter). But kids do best when they have a village. Since no dad is great at everything, imagine the value of our kids growing up with a number of positive male role models. For some families, that’s easy – their kids have grandfathers and uncles and family friends. Other kids grow up in a smaller social world, but that doesn’t mean they can’t have a variety of healthy men in their lives. If we look, we can find good role models for our boys in scout leaders, youth group leaders, sports programs… so many places. I have found when I asked some trusted men if they would lean in a little and be supportive of my boys during a hard patch, guys were happy to say yes.
This Father’s Day, let’s honor the dads who are showing up well for their kids and work to support those who might be struggling. I have yet to meet a dad who does it all perfectly because, let’s be honest – parenting is hard, but the impact on kids means more than most of us realize.
RAISING A GOOD DAD STARTS NOW
A lot of my parenting was focused on raising my boys into good men. What if you reverse-engineer what kind of man you want your son to be, and make sure they’re having chances to practice those skills now? Here are a few traits that can be taught while boys are growing that will come in handy should they choose to be fathers one day:
RESTRAINT: The ability to stop. Stop watching TV. Stop saying mean stuff. Stop making excuses.
INITIATIVE: The ability to start. Start doing chores without being told. Get themselves out of bed.
THE ART OF OWNERSHIP AND AMENDS: Create opportunities for them to own their part and repair relationships when they caused ruptures.
DISCIPLINE TO KEEP GOING, even when it’s hard. Anyone who is a parent knows how necessary that is!
EMPATHY: A.K.A. the ability to walk in another’s shoes. They learn this best by experiencing it from us, their parents.
SERVICE: Parenting, if it’s nothing else, is the act of being of service to another person day after day. I wish I had done more community service with my boys, because that lets a kid build the muscle of doing kind things for others.
It truly takes a village to raise good dads, and every act of love, patience, and guidance adds up to the kind of fathers our world needs.
