Kerry here. My daughter-in-law has a superpower that I wish I had when I was a young mother. When my kids were little, I had mastered the skills of “I’ve got this,” “I don’t need help,” and “I’m needless and wantless.”
Bless that younger woman’s heart. She was doing the best she could with what she was given.
Those skills also led a younger Kerry to feeling mighty stressed during December, as she tried to do it all on her own and to a high standard.
Please don’t hate on that sweet young thing. She meant well. 😅
There’s a poem called “I Have Been a Thousand Different Women” written by Emory Hall that every woman should read. It captures how many versions of ourselves we experience throughout our adulthood and encourages us to honor them.
But back to my daughter-in-law: She has a superpower. She is not nearly as afflicted by the same malady that my younger self was.
What is her superpower, you ask?
I’ll tell you: She knows how to ask for help. And she does not wait until things are dire or falling apart. She can ask if I have “Grandma time” available while she cooks for a party she is hosting. She knows she could do it on her own, even though it would mean her ten-month-old fussing and trying to climb up her legs the entire time.
But she is also wise enough to know that if Grandma comes over:
- Mama can get her cooking done more efficiently.
- Her infant will be happy and entertained.
- Grandma will be happy for the chance to play with one of her favorite little humans on the planet and grateful to make a young mom’s life a little easier.
The younger version of me would have worried about being an imposition. My daughter-in-law, on the other hand, seems to understand that community, closeness, and helping one another is good for everyone involved.
So how about you?
Do you recognize yourself in either of these women? No judgment if you are in “I can do it all and pretend it’s easy” mode. Many of us spend a lot of time there. But December is not yet over, and there may still be opportunities to remember that while you could do it all on your own, it might be healthier to ask for a hand sometimes.
December is not a test of endurance or self-sufficiency. It can be a practice ground for shared care.
It might even be good for those around you, especially your kids, to practice pitching in and helping the people they love. And friends, grandparents, or others who have capacity to pitch in may actually be grateful for the chance to make a busy mom’s life just a touch less stressful.
Sometimes the greatest gift we give our kids, and the people who care about us, is the chance to show up. To help. To be useful. To be close. If asking for help feels hard, maybe you can reframe it as a gift you are giving others. 🥰
Wherever you find yourself this month, please know this: The people who love you do not need your perfection. They need you. You do not have to earn your worth through effort, exhaustion, or doing it all on your own.
Wishing you a happy holiday season,
Kerry and Palmer
P.S. In a previous holiday email, Palmer shared some great thoughts about how to nudge your family towards meaningful conversations over the holidays. You can find his blog post here.
